"Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline......"

If you are obsessive/compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are, please stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, please press 7, and your call will be transferred to the mothership.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully for the small voice which will tell you which button to press. Remember, you are never alone!
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't really matter which number you press, no-one will answer anyway.
If you are dyslexic, please press 966999669696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the 'hash' key until a representative becomes available.
If you have amnesia, please press 8, and state clearly your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, national insurance number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and very c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 twice. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, please press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, please press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, please press 9.